A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
wanna go halves on a baby?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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