mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
