I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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