i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
