She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
