can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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