I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
