So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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