so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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