At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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