textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
