I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
