insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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