My friends, they love my intelligence
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
