just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize