i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
