it was like his penis was on wheels.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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