theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's shark week go big or go home
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize