Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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