I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
