I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize