apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
