The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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