I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
