so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
