Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
