you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
