today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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