I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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