My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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