I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
