We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
