you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
How does it feel to date your dad?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
