If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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