So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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