Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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