Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I CAN MOONWALK!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
