You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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