Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize