Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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