So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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