She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
