She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I would ride that face into the sunset
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize