She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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