I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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