i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
