i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
