You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
