apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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