After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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