Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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