filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
