I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize