Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
