He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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