Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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