if you like me you must not know who I am
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
