i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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